drcraigrose.com > Who I Treat > Fair Communication Rules

FAIR COMMUNICATION RULES

1.) Never use threats including such statements like, “Divorce,” or “I’ll show you.”

2.) Do not use general or blanket statements like “You never”…or “You always.” Stick to the current topic. Your current issue is enough to make your point. Exaggerating escalates conflicts.

3.) One topic at a time only. No “piling on” of other topics. Additional problems can be addressed at another time or after resolution of the current problem.

4.) Do not interrupt or talk over your partner. If your partner keeps lecturing or talking then politely ask if you can respond to their comments.

5.) Listen and understand your partner before responding with your input. Make it a point to ask your partner questions about their problem before stating your position. Your feelings may change with a better understanding.

6.) Never make assumptions about your partner’s intentions. Remember, ask questions.

7.) What about past conflicts? It is important for each person to take responsibility for past actions and acknowledge any hurt they may have caused. Past conflicts can not be buried or forgotten without coming to some resolution. If your partner continues to address a past issue then you should both question why a resolution is not occurring. Instead of saying, “I thought we talked about this and its over, ask, “What is keeping you from feeling better about the problem?”

8.) Considering that past issues have received proper attention and resolution, it is then best to stay in the present tense. Continually bringing up past issues may be a maneuver to “win” or to prove your self “right” and your partner “wrong.” It’s not about right and wrong. It’s about how you and your partner can compromise and respect each others needs. Keep in mind you should both benefit from the resolution of a conflict. Neither of you should feel harmed as an outcome. You are on the same team—not two teams against each other. You must not hold your partner “hostage” to their past actions. This stance could have your partner believe that changing will have no effect.

9.) Do not argue in bed. Try not to go to bed angry. If a disagreement happens at bedtime, agree to address the problem at another time. Make sure you do get back to the issue.

10.) Be open to how you can change. Approach all conflicts with the possibility you may need to change. Defensive behaviors such as repeating yourself and lecturing are all clues and alarms that you are not open to change. Only perfect people never need to change. Now, ask yourself if you know anyone who is perfect.

11.) It is OK to discontinue an escalating argument. You should bring attention to your discomfort and suggest returning to the problem when tempers are controlled. Point out the behaviors your partner is showing that are threatening or uncomfortable. You may refer to this break as a “time-out.” During the time-out period it is good to write down your thoughts and issues. Writing about the problem can bring more clarity to the conflict.

12.) Do not pursue your partner if they have requested a time-out. Continuing, enabling or provoking an escalating argument is irresponsible. This aggressive behavior pattern may result in domestic violence charges. Legal ramifications may result in losing your current residence, losing child custody and visitation privileges, losing employment opportunities and other significant legal hardship and expenses. See www.dvmen.org.

13.) Leaving the house or room without requesting the time-out is unacceptable and is viewed most often as disrespectful or abandoning. Assure your partner you will return in a reasonable time and continue the discussion after you have collected your thoughts and you both have calmed down.

14.) Drama escalates conflicts. Stay as calm as possible. Keep your voice even and stay composed.

15.) Not every issue is worth a conflict. Pick your battles carefully and show flexibility. Conflicts create discomfort so ask yourself if it is worth it at the time.

16.) Name calling or just plain hurtful remarks which allow no constructive responses are unacceptable. Examples of unfair comments include, “You’re just like your mother”…or, “I can’t help it if you’re stupid.” Hurtful remarks prompt retaliation. There is no way to erase or take back a spiteful jab.

17.) Confront relationship problems as they arise. Don’t store up angry feelings and then explode. Your responsibility in the relationship includes expressing your wants and desires directly, clearly and respectfully. “Pay backs” and other indirect or passive-aggressive behaviors are sure bets for destruction.

18.) Don’t compare each other’s bad behaviors. This is a “tit-for-tat” or “one-upping” strategy and no constructive resolution is likely to happen. You will be attempting to make the other person look worse, which should never be the point of any argument. Resolve the topic at hand and then move on to what else may bother you about your partner’s behavior. Resolving means agreeing to a change that both of you can live with.

19.) Remember that you both probably have the same ultimate goals when arguing with each other. You want to be respected and listened to. You both want to be happy and productive and proud of each other. You both want to have unbreakable trust that you are respecting each others needs, desires and vulnerabilities. If this is not so, then you should question the basis of your attachment.